That's just great... My confidence has taken quite a beating now. I've tried reading through something that I once thought might actually make a little sense - and not only did it not make any sense, it was a rambling mess I just wanted to cry at. Unfortunately, the lazy part of me just cannot be bothered going back to the drawing board with the new ideas I have for this "story" (this would be the part of me that wishes these things would simply write themselves). On the other hand, if my creative side would inhale some of that waterfall of coffee that I consume every day and wake up again, I would actually really enjoy the challenge of taking characters I think I actually like and think may have potential and reinventing them and their lives.
The idea of being organised with spreadsheets and cross-referenced bullet-points and notes would also cheer me up no end usually as well... However, the idea of being proactive at the moment just makes me want to go back to sleep. My Get Up And Go has Got Up And Gone and there seems to be little steam left in the little engine to get it back again, and with it goes my arse to actually want to do anything about writing something new. Which is a bit of an exasperation - if I could muster up the energy to care enough to feel such a thing as exasperation. Currently, it's more like a... "Meh..."
My favourite solution to this problem is generally a continuous slow-drip IV of Full-Bean Starbucks with extra espresso - it makes sure there's not too much blood clogging up the coffee in my veins. However, this doesn't seem to be quite working at the moment thanks to being whacked over the head (and run right through the lungs) with a horrible chest infection that's left me coughing like an eighty-a-minute chain-smoker with emphysema. It's not been the best way to start off a new year, I rather must admit - and it's been playing havoc with my ability to give a tiny rat's ass about anything, including whether the things that I write actually make any sense (and I really doubt they actually do).
I have rather gathered so far that when actually writing something, you have to actually write it - being a passive spectator doesn't really cut the biscuit, it would seem, at all. So far I seem to have come up with gobbledygook with the writing, and I've not even bothered with the music (see I'm sensible in that regard with the one thing I'm experienced in - I've left the music well alone!) and I am getting royally frustrated by the fact that my brain has turned to mush, and finding out that the ability to breathe properly is rather a useful thing when trying to do something creative. I have also managed to gather that having tizzy-fits and getting hypnotized by iPlayer (I blame the Dickens Christmas Specials & new Sherlock Holmes series that have been shown... Oh, and Downton Abbey, of course... Yes, I know that's actually ITV, it's almost the same thing...) and Netflix is also not particularly helpful, and occasionally detrimental - especially when it makes you feel like curling up in a ball and giving up because you know you're never going to be as good as Dickens/ Conan Doyle/ Fellowes. Well, not outside of your imagination, anyway.
Despite all this, I'm going to go and have a bash at reorganizing things for the characters and the story. I am. I will. I'll get round to it... I have a notebook - does that count? I even have ideas... Despite the lack of detail and the fact I have no idea how to articulate them at the moment, or the current ability to untangle them from my yearning for more coffee because I'm so bloody knackered, I'm determined to really try. Perhaps if I get out my spreadsheets again and start organizing myself in a way that I'm familiar with, I might get some brain momentum in being geeky and having fun - colouring them all in, rearranging them in different orders, dividing them by chapters and characters and key details... And then probably forgetting that I'm actually trying to write a novel and instead getting carried away in creating pretty worksheets.
Maybe I'll stick to my notebook...
