Starting Over & Changing The Game...

The hard work begins here.... I have started on this (long?) road of my training with Chapterhouse Publishing’s course in Copy Editing and Proofreading, and I have just enrolled.

I will be waiting for the manuals with the tools of the trade I feel already quite familiar with to arrive, so I will finally learn the “proper” ways of doing it that other people will be requiring from me.

Working with Cat is always really straightforward – she’s a good writer and writes fairly short articles, which she then just emails to me and I edit on MS Word – or Google Docs, if I need easier online access. The mistakes are usually minor and quickly rectified, and the articles are always interesting and entertaining to read. All bonuses when it comes to these things! I rather think it will not be quite so easy when it comes to doing it professionally, though...

I am aware that a lot of copy-editing is still done on paper and requires specialist correction techniques so as those who receive the edited copy can adjust the writing accordingly. It’s learning this skill that will be important, but will also make editing much less straightforward than the way I edit Cat’s writing. Other than that I’ve had the experience of editing and proofreading copies for years, for so many things, so I think I’m ready for it!

What I am looking forward to (in the – hopefully – not-too-distant-future) is attaching my natural fascination and acquired skills with IT and programming to the learning how VBAs and analytical tools can be used to assist with editing. The SfEP (Society for Editors and Proofreaders) runs courses on these skills – as well as specific website editing courses – and it’s something I’m looking forward to doing when I’ve gained the relevant skills to apply for them.

I’m not really naturally inclined to handle paper – electronic and virtual things are much easier to use, manipulate, and don’t clog up space, and they also much more fun to play with. For me, it was the final pro-point to trying to start this up as a career, as I could “geek-it-up” and continue to use my IT skills with it, and learn new ones too – a huge bonus. I would love my main focus to be with on-screen editing, website editing, and using programs and software to help me do this job to.

My original dilemma was that I didn’t want to leave the geek-world of IT behind for “traditional” non-IT work. The only “old-fashioned” thing I embrace is reading real books – as in ones made of paper, not Kindles. After reading that these skills were becoming core skills, and were being coveted by the “clients”, I was finally convinced that I would be quite happy slowly transferring my career into this industry. 

After reading there were even specialist courses on doing these things, it was the final tick for my boxes, and now I’m excited about learning how IT programming and analytical tools can be applied to copy-editing. I will also enjoy this, as it will then mean I can still use my “toys” (IT software and programs) to work – something I would have sorely missed if they weren’t the way forward in this industry. 

To be honest, if I hadn’t read about them, I would never have even really considered it as a serious option as a possible future career. Now I realise how I can finally mesh all my passions together to do one pretty interesting job – and I will be really focusing on getting on with the training, and honing transferable skills I already have to something I pretty much to anyway.

I would also love to put these to good use within the IT or gaming industries – editing and proofreading for game writers or IT manuals... But that’s for the future. I’m still putting it down as a goal though!

For the first time, I may be genuinely looking forward to the future...

Finding Futures...

I’ve always been a geek... A book-worm, book-writer, game-lover and loner. As a toddler and young nipper, my real best friend was my Daddy and we played together for hours every day - sometimes with nothing but our own extensive and vibrant imaginations. I was myself and I didn't question myself. They were good days, and I revelled in being exactly who I was - warts and all.
 


But that just wasn’t OK with my childish peer-group (and in fairness, we were all children...). Since I stepped into the permanent company of others, I've been slowly trying to hide myself and my nature. Unfortunately, for this loner, I had to start school, and I slowly but surely disappeared, trying to turn into a ghost of nothing to avoid teasing, jeers, and out-and-out bullying... From the young students and the teachers.
 


In trying to fit in, get along, and “manage” in this world, I've made some lunatic mistakes - including attempting to take my education and career towards nursing. It took a few rather horrific incidents and one wonderful woman (as well as the support of long-suffering parents) to start me on a different path - and I somehow managed to land myself in IT. Much to my relief. The silent geek in me breathed a sigh of relief and clearly hoped that one day it would be let out of its carefully-crafted cage of silence.
 


Gaming was my first real foray back to that part of me, outside being overtly Goth and pagan. I realise I've always been a gamer - not a computer one (I had to wait for technology to catch up with my expectations) - but always I've loved games. If I didn't own every board game, I certainly played them - and every parlour-type game and "pub quiz" style game was mine to be owned... I strove to win each time, even playing against adults - and often-times I did. And to be honest, I got too used to winning I was a really sore loser!
 


I never really kept friends if they came along - they couldn't really keep up with my more grown-up things I liked, and tended to win easily at games, which made them not much fun to play with anyway. I stuck with preferring adult company because they were on more the same level as I was and at least challenged me somewhat.
 


When I was introduced to real gaming - firstly with the fabulous Eternal Darkness on the GameCube - I was suddenly blown away by what playing these games was really like. I also realised that I now suddenly didn't need other idiots to play with. I no longer had to be bored and rely on waiting for other people to play - I could play alone and buff up the difficulty to challenge me (as opposed to trying to upgrade to whatever adults were around instead of the kids). I could indulge in my geek-side - one that loved fantasy, stories, technology, computing, and playing games. When I found RPGs I was away, and finally The Elder Scrolls and the Fable franchise gave me something useful to be obsessed over, instead of struggling with feelings of serious depression and musings of self-harming that still plagued my mind.
 


Somehow, playing these - like any gaming fan(atic) does, started pushing the other nonsense out of my head and I started indulging more and more in my true "geek" nature, and began to not give a hairy rat's backside what other people thought, or whether or not I could play in the sandbox with "normal" people (non-geeks).
 


With this has slowly been a quiet confidence building as I get to know myself properly. I have felt so lost that I now feel I've been given the most awesome GPS system with a clear You-Are-Here and a big glittery breadcrumb trail (a la Fable) to where I need to be to just be me (... I can't even really put “again” here, because I don't think I've really been “me” since I first started school).

I feel like I’ve been given a vehicle to grasp onto to bring that side of me back out again, this time with more strength, confidence and the courage of my own convictions.



Most of all, it’s allowed me to realise that it’s so tiring trying to be someone else. I have a lot more buzz when I’m embracing the things that I love instead of trying hard to focus on things I genuinely really couldn’t give a hairy rat’s arse about at all. I think I’m happy now trying to just put my energy into simply being me – I’ll hazard a guess I’ll get a lot more out of that.

Hopeless Creatures

Crippling self-doubt... Despite the way it's worded, I negate the thought that it is self-inflicted. I can not believe that we naturally self-doubt - we are survivalist beings who will kill before being killed - in reality and metaphorically. I think the sad truth is that we are influenced by others to the point where we really do believe anything they say. If we hear more negative than positive, this is what we end up with... That crippling self-doubt.

I am guilty of feeling this every second of every day. From too many people to count, I was forcibly made aware of the fact that others thought I was a joke and a waste of space - from teachers and kids at school, to people at home. I was assured that, by the majority, that I wasn't much to give credence to. It has unfortunately stayed with me ever since. It has affected me my whole life, contributed greatly to my illness and lack of recovery for a long time, and prevented me believing I should, and could, have a future. A decent life that I could be proud of.... Instead of the flittering existence that I have experienced - flying around from one thing to another, hoping to find something that I gelled with, something I could attach to and feel was "me" and "mine", something that I could really feel comfortable with.  

I have, in all my life, never believed I could do anything - as in anything at all. I've always been felt that I must never believe in myself. I've tried to override this feeling - and with the help of a couple of amazing therapists, I have at certain times been able to. There are some things I have done that I am so proud of because I told that doubt to go and stick itself up its own backside, and I have reaped rewards I am so elated to have been privileged enough to have experienced. 

However, there is one category of enemy that rallies against this feeling and plays entirely for the Crippling Self-Doubt Team... The classic cynical looking-out-for-you words that come out of the well-meaning and cynical mouths of others - and of course this is the wonderful: "But don't get your hopes up..." (and all its derivatives). 

This will immediately take the winds out of the biggest sails. I got it quite often before going to auditions... You know, because heaven forbid I should a) Be confident, and b) Get "hurt" by rejection. All it did was wreck my confidence, because nothing says "I think others are better than you" than those damned words. They're well-meaning bundles cynical negativity, and they are also crippling. They also makes me want to poke the speaker in the eye.

I am not made of crystal, bone China, or glass. I am not delicate or easily disappointed (in fact, life has very much taught me the very opposite)... I have regularly been rejected my whole life, and I am no pampered princess that doesn't understand the word "no", and I am certainly not going to break if I am rejected. I get rejected all the time for jobs (as an IT contractor, it's been a part of my territory for years - for every contract you get rejections... It's simple maths).

In fact, who hasn't been in that position where you go for interview after interview and are rejected, before you finally that cool job? Why is that different for auditions, or anything else? Why are we programmed to be against anything that is artistic, but not what is "conventional"? How many people for that Retail job, or that Office Admin job that you got?... So why is it different if it's an acting or singing job, or anything else? And why are we told the markets are "competitive", "over-saturated" or "difficult to break into" if its acting, singing, painting or writing - but not if it's a Systems Administrator, Retail Assistant, Accountant or Office Clerk... Yet I imagine more people go for those jobs, and are skilled and qualified for them, than people who are going into arts and entertainment, or similar. But when you go for those jobs, you don't hear all that pessimism, because they're classed as "normal" jobs. Why, though, I still cannot fathom. 

I want a full pack of cheerleaders to make me feel like the coolest person in the room when going up for something - whether it's a job interview, audition, test or anything that requires confidence to get through it successfully. Imagine if someone told that to a football team before they went out to play in the qualifying match of the World Cup... I doubt that has ever happened in the history of any sport. I've recently asked for some possible support for the possibility of doing something I was really excited about. This very reaction has now blown the self-belief I spent quite a long time building up in myself as I secretly thought this thing through. I am now left feeling quite lost at sea as to what to do about it now. My initial reaction is now to play it "safe", instead of taking a chance and trying something new...

I'm sure many will argue that others shouldn't be able to do that to you. And they would be right. A popular saying is something like "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"... However, when you've long ago been broken down to beyond your very core, you are wide open to all opinions, especially negative ones. 

So I say this to people - no, I implore it... That these words are never to be uttered again. Because without hope, exactly what is there? Cynicism is the breeding-ground of self-doubt in people, and this is the ultimate arch-enemy of hope and confidence. Unless you're bizarrely arrogant, everyone knows there is the possibility of failure at some point - but guess what? Failure really isn't the end of the world. Loads of things have failed... The world still lives on - as you may well have noticed. 

I can tell you that without hope the world does stop turning for some, though. It stops turning when they're so low they don't even care if they can remember their name, or what day it is. In extreme cases, it stops turning forever. So if you want to make sure someone isn't "disappointed", make sure that person doesn't end up disappointed at you, or because of you. Because they already know inside themselves they could be disappointed by the outcome of what they're doing (they do not need to be reminded) - however, they did not know that you were going to be the one who was going to sound like you are already feeling disappointed for them before they've even tried...

An Ode To Ouch

Being in constant pain is not much fun. And now it's late at night, BlackBerry AccuWeather is reading 16 degrees celsius, and I have to have a hot gel pack on my spine because it hurts so much... It's not the best feeling - it's like being put in the oven as punishment for being in pain.

It's worse because I feel like its self-inflicted. I was already in a lot of pain before embarking on several miles of long walk yesterday, which then inevitably inflamed and flared up what was already rather annoyed to begin with. The result has been that I've barely been able to move all day, and what movement there has been has inevitably lead my brain to react with silent screams and blinding explosions. Coping has been mainly taking painkillers, staying still, and taking out my frustrations on anything that gets in my way on my wanders around mythical world of Skyrim on my Xbox.

I've decided I definitely don't like pain. Not that I like pain... It's just that I've lived with quite a lot of it for most of my life, and I've only recently started to learn what it like living without it. So now I actually realise what it is to have to suffer it as a seperate entity to myself, and started to realise it's not necessarily a built-in package to my existence. I also realise that I simply had to unquestioningly co-exist with it because resenting it is very annoying in and of itself, and takes up a lot of time.

I'm trying not to resent it now. It's not going very well, though...

The Lure Of The Dark Demon Prince

I can feel that Prince of Demons whispering in my ear again. Threatening to drag me down into the oblivion of Wonderland again... Scattering my thoughts and sending the chill of numbness and fear through my soul.

This time it’s one of my never-ending weaknesses... Food.

For long enough – twenty years now – the horror and fear that food has brought me has been never-ending. Anorexia and Bulimia stalked me throughout my childhood, teen years and young adulthood. In later years I have tried to overcome the mentality it has left, but still it is a difficult and painful task to eat. You wouldn’t think of it to look at me, but that is the truth. Food terrifies me beyond all reason and it’s pure torture to have to voluntarily put it into my mouth and leave it sitting in my stomach.

Imagine, if you will (and this is graphic, but bare with me – and note your immediate reaction to imagining the following), that you are forced to eat, let’s say, human blood, tissue and feces because you’re told your life depends on it - you have to put it in your mouth, chew it up, swallow it, and you cannot throw it up afterwards...

Well... Yes. Exactly... I can imagine how that sounds and feels to even think about. In fact, it’s quite easy for me to do so. That’s the reaction I have to eating normal food - and it’s not pleasant in the least. It’s a reaction I’ve lived with for the most part of my life – and whilst I have spent the last 5 or 6 years managing to override it and talk myself into believing that food is actually good for you, especially if it’s healthy – this awful reaction to food really haunts me still. There is something within my mind that will not allow me to really grasp that this substance is what I am supposed to be putting into my body to feed it and keep it alive. Whatever this is, it makes life in general a living hell whenever it’s time to eat.

I’ve found various ways of coping – the main one being the one thing most people tell you not to do – distraction in the form of watching something on TV (a sitcom, film etc). At work I read the news online, or do work. For the most part, it works to a certain extent. There are still some times where this feeling of repulsion and horror overwhelms me, though.

This happened yesterday and took me completely by surprise - in fact, I was shocked and horrified at feeling it. I’ve struggled and worked hard at it, and I’ve managed for long enough to overcome those feelings, to a point... To have them manifest themselves so vividly was overwhelming and landed me in a heap of emotion to the point where I have withdrawn and become numb. I simply no longer know what to do with these feelings, or know how to cope with them. Once upon a time they were there every second of every minute - more recently they have kept some distance and they are no longer as familiar as they once were. Now as they swept back into my body and my mind, I felt violated - not just by having the food in me (which is what usually happens - I am overwhelmingly repulsed by even the thought of consuming food, generally), but also by the fact this had reared its ugly head again when I thought it was tamed.

It’s brought about other old feelings with it. I’ve immediately become shut-down and numb, and it’s been followed with feelings of being overwhelmed by everything, and mild panic attacks. In a nutshell, I feel quite depressed (and not in that pathetic “I’ve got the blues” way - it’s the “I want to hide in the oven and never come out - and put it on while you’re at it” kind of way). It’s as if it’s triggered that in me as a chain-reaction - a deeply-ingrained reaction of self-hatred from the past.   I am rendered exhausted, the chattering in my brain is now incessant again, sleep is nothing but a pipe-dream when it actually comes down to dropping off, and I feel like absolutely nothing is OK in any way or sense of the word.

The thing was... I was really starting to feel quite good for a moment there - I’d had a range of really enlightening moments that made my burden feel much lighter. Now it feels like not only has it been given back to me, but some extra rocks have been added in for good measure. Sometimes when it comes to that adage “One Step Forwards, Two Steps Back”, I feel my experience is “One Step Forward, Fall Down A Cliff... Then have to climb all the way back to where you started before you can even think about going another step forward again”. Funnily enough I’m then too exhausted to go any further for a long time...

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start to get back on an even keel right now. I’m not so bad as I will actually hide under the duvet for weeks on end without looking at anyone. But I do feel scared, intimidated, and incredibly withdrawn into myself now - from that very second of those feeling appearing. These incredible emotions are my own incessant, abusive bully that I can’t seem to be rid of, and it’s now taunting me again.  I have managed to defy it by cooking and eating the food I felt terrified of yesterday, and by eating my meals today - even cooking a really good dinner tonight (and rather enjoying it, thankfully). However, I do not know how to make these feelings of fear and intimidation go away. I can barely even focus on playing my favourite game (usually always good for feeling better about almost anything).

The lure of the Demon has brought me back towards its whispers, and I am finding it rather hard not to listen. It’s the best manipulator I have ever met.

Freedom in this Labyrinthian Realm

Feeling lost has been a confusing and heartbreaking experience. Nothing is "OK", makes sense, or is worth any effort when you are lost inside your own mind. My focus has been gone, and so have I...

I unfortunately only just came to realise that last part though.  I nearly lost far more than myself because of it. I didn't exist, and it was only after what felt like almost a divine-like epiphany did I actually finally come to realise I hadn't really existed for a long time. Not the me inside, screaming so loud and for so long to be allowed out. I was a walking zombie, with empty eyes and a tempestuous shell driven by pain, fear and confusion. What had happened, and was happening, to me had drained me of my very soul and had left very little, if anything, behind. 

I haven't sung, written, made music, or read much - if at all. All the things I have always previously adored were nothing but a burden to me. I wanted to do all those things so much, but they were simply too much effort for a scared, unfocused and rambling mind like I had. Lost in a nightmare of a labyrinth, with no idea how I got in and with no way out, I felt always destined to wander about inside it with no way of solving it, allowing myself to be free. 

It was music that came back to save me from this Labarynthian Realm. Something in the music shifted something in my mind, leaving open a black hole of realisation I had never experienced before... And I was startled, shocked, and appalled to see for the first time what I had really become. The skeletal-like remains of my personality and character were not what I expected to see - and I had never realised quite how deep inside Hell I had fallen.

I have been here before - many years ago - in a similar situation, and when the trauma-coloured glasses fell from my eyes, I was horrified to see what had become of me. Sixteen years ago it was because I was anorexic and didn't really know it (or, in all honesty, didn't want to acknowledge it) - then one day I saw myself for what I really looked like, without the help of the vile disease looking through my eyes for me. I was left horrified and shocked at myself for allowing myself to be taken in by it so - and now I feel almost exactly the same way again now, all these years later. And the things that I have done (and in some cases, not done) leave me feeling immensely guilty - and in some extreme cases, sickened and overwhelmed by what I had done, and had been reduced to. 

Yet somehow, I now feel some hope. And, even more importantly, I feel more like I'm on a path towards myself. The me that has a personality and bright eyes and a smile... not a glassy-eyed shell devoid of apathy and running on pure selfishness. I am well aware I am never going to be anywhere near perfect - I have a past that is deplorable and affects me still, and an illness that sucks the life out of you like a greedy vampire that won't stop. I am no longer skin-and-bone, but food still terrifies me, and I am still learning to co-exist  with my paranoia and perpetual fear of everything (I've given up trying to override them)...

However, I have hope I will be at least in touch with myself, feel a little better in my own skin, be more accepting of who I actually am, and treat people like heart-felt humans and real friends - and not inanimate objects who's sole purpose is to revolve around my tempestuous hyper-sensitivity and make me "feel better", whilst enduring my erratic and frightening behaviour. I have hope that in time I can learn to be focused on the things I want to do and like doing, without having a panic attack about just the thought of it. I want to write music and sing again, write the book(s) that have always been tumbling about in my head, read as much as I used to, and have some self-confidence and self-belief. It's going to be baby steps, but I also hope that the projection will be forward, even if progress isn't at breakneck speed. Moving forward, even slowly, is better than staying still - or worse; going backwards. 

I think I have managed to pull myself from the brink of what could have been a huge disaster in my life. I've had too many of them and could never have survived yet another one. I hope I will learn to manage the black demon in my heart better, and that I become the Queen of my own realm - not a victim to another one of madness and hopelessness, being lost and wandering blindly and in vain. 

One day I hope to be the person I know I really could be. Until then, I'm going to keep on working on it...