Wow... Am I stuck in my little non-existent world... I can feel the creativity bubbling up inside me, but it's not coming out. I can't seem to bring myself to write - anything - and I can't seem get what's inside me out on paper... well - computer. It is the 21 Century, after all...
I'm just so exhausted from the last few years. Not knowing where to turn; not really knowing who I am or what to make of the fact that I lost 18 years of my life until I was 25. From 18-25 I made up a life; made it up as I went along and had no history... Amnesia will do that to you. It's pretty shit, really - even if what you want to forget is really horrible, it's really much better to know. You don't spend the first 7 years of your adult life wondering what the hell happened to you, and who the hell you really are.
There's that, and the Dark Knight Daemon I've lived with for almost 20 years... (for those of you who are "normal", it's also known as Depression). He's always going to be there, but he doesn't have to - and actually doesn't - control my life and my thoughts anymore. Nor does he control my heart... Meaning that for the first time in my life (can any time before the age of 10 possibly count?) I am actually in charge of my heart and my life... And to be honest, I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. I feel lost without it to dictate and rule my life; I feel like I really don't know what to do with myself at all.
I grew up with the Dark Daemon haunting me, controlling me. The first time I have control over my life without it breathing down my neck, I'm 28 and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. There's something wrong with that, surely??... I really have no idea how to take control and do what I want because I want to... I only knew how to go against the Daemon. So I feel more than a little lost having to make up my own mind about things now, and make my own decisions... Like I'm supposed to be a growed-up, or something! Now, without that numb shield I actually have to care about stuff, and it's just such a lot of hassle.
When it comes to creativism, I suppose I'm trying to run away from whatever feelings are actually in there somewhere beneath that numb shield, therefore I'm avoiding at all costs going in there and finding out what's actually in there... Probably going to have to go in there one day and find out what's there and toss out those dust-bunny-covered, moth-eaten, spider-webbed skeletons running around in my emotional closet. Probably should make it soon too, because there are books to write and songs to sing, and they're not going to write and sing themselves... hopefully!!
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