New Beginnings. New Year. New Life. Melodramatic? ... Maybe not in this case. Just before Christmas I lost my job; two years ago I regained my life after over a decade of traumatic retrograde amnesia; now, I have just regained my sense of self. And I realised that I really didn't have any. After over 10 years of hiding in shadowed lies I had created in my head from what I thought had happened to me (thanks to years of emotional and mental abuse from anyone who came anywhere near me, it seemed), I finally came to slowly realise what had happened to me. And it was worse than I had ever thought. I realised the people who were the closest to me, who were supposed to protect me not only didn't protect me, they instigated most of it themselves. Hoorah.
So, here I am, newly into 2009, and realising I'm 27 going on 17. I was 15 when I really started losing my comprehension about my life and my childhood, and I've been getting my memory back over the last two years, so I guess that makes me about emotionally 17. And therefore getting ready to face the world as an "adult". So, with a new job to look for and a blank canvas of life to scribble all over (since I can kiss goodbye to the emotionally dead world I lived in since I was 12), I can effectively say The World Is My Oyster, and I can do whatever the hell I want. So I'm bloody well going to! I started today by grabbing tickets to a writer's day at Marie Claire offices in February - you get to sit and chat with writers and publishers about being a writer and trying to sell your stuff to them. Since I've wanted to be a writer since I was about 8, I figure this would be the time to take the bull by the horns and do something about that - new life and all. My sister's into journalism and working ad hoc for various publications to get some experience and published work, so I'm trying to convince her to come with me. Trying being the operative word there.
I'm pretty much left now with the notion that I've been going around in blind circles without a clue who I am, where I've come from, or what the hell's been going on since I was about 15. Everything I've done since the age of about 12 has been to keep the demon of abuse and severe clinical depression away from the Grim Reaper's door, and having it cheerfully taking me along with it. I have all the usual questions - Who am I?, Where am I going?, What am I doing?, What do I want to do??? (as opposed to "should") ... See, for the first time in my life (unless you count the time before I was about 8) I am actually my own person. I am no longer the victim of buggered-thinking, severe depression and its twisted thoughts and rather bizarre logic, or living in torment with all the horribly agonising abuse put into my head by people I thought I should care about. I am free, I am reborn, I am Me.
So, here I am, newly into 2009, and realising I'm 27 going on 17. I was 15 when I really started losing my comprehension about my life and my childhood, and I've been getting my memory back over the last two years, so I guess that makes me about emotionally 17. And therefore getting ready to face the world as an "adult". So, with a new job to look for and a blank canvas of life to scribble all over (since I can kiss goodbye to the emotionally dead world I lived in since I was 12), I can effectively say The World Is My Oyster, and I can do whatever the hell I want. So I'm bloody well going to! I started today by grabbing tickets to a writer's day at Marie Claire offices in February - you get to sit and chat with writers and publishers about being a writer and trying to sell your stuff to them. Since I've wanted to be a writer since I was about 8, I figure this would be the time to take the bull by the horns and do something about that - new life and all. My sister's into journalism and working ad hoc for various publications to get some experience and published work, so I'm trying to convince her to come with me. Trying being the operative word there.
I'm pretty much left now with the notion that I've been going around in blind circles without a clue who I am, where I've come from, or what the hell's been going on since I was about 15. Everything I've done since the age of about 12 has been to keep the demon of abuse and severe clinical depression away from the Grim Reaper's door, and having it cheerfully taking me along with it. I have all the usual questions - Who am I?, Where am I going?, What am I doing?, What do I want to do??? (as opposed to "should") ... See, for the first time in my life (unless you count the time before I was about 8) I am actually my own person. I am no longer the victim of buggered-thinking, severe depression and its twisted thoughts and rather bizarre logic, or living in torment with all the horribly agonising abuse put into my head by people I thought I should care about. I am free, I am reborn, I am Me.
I walk through the darkness into the light. I don't know where I'm going, but - finally - after 10
years, at least I know where I've been. So I start off on my journey, into my New Beginning, into my Rebirth... Destination: Unknown.
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